hey.

So my life went to hell pretty quick in the last year. It's strange how so much can change in just a year and nobody really cares. Sometimes I feel like such a failure just because I can't stop growing up and I can't stop disappointing everyone in my path. I'm sorry I can't be whatever pedestal thing you made of me. I'm just me. Ordinary me. The sarcastic biotch that says things when she shouldn't. That chick with the nasty hair that never cooperates. That girl with a "skinny-looking" body and then you realize how mangled it actually is, covered in cottage cheese skin and scars from an even worse past.

I don't know.

It's probably just from my point of view that everything seems to be changing. I guess most of the time I am actually comfortable and happy, but I still have those nights where I toss and turn and look up at the ceiling, wishing for this stupid anxiety to go away.

I suppose that my friends just think I'm uptight, when in reality, it is so much worse than that. I feel especially bad for my mom. I just feel like she thinks that my failure's are her fault and that's completely not true. It really isn't. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me and without my mom I would be a lot worse. She isn't the problem, I am.

I feel like I'll never truly suceed. Everything in life was handed to me, so do I really know what it's like to win something? Probably not. I'm not saying, "Boohoo, look at me, the sad, spoiled girl. I have problems too." Ugh. Why can't I just keep my mouth shut? I have amazing days until I just go ahead and ruin it for myself. Ugh. When will I stop ruining things? Probably never.